Why Brotherhood and Sisterhood in the 21st Century?
November 18, 2011
I grew up in a congregation with a Sisterhood and Men’s Club. Every suburban Long Island congregation had one. Sisterhood controlled the temple kitchen and raised tens of thousands of dollars for the temple every year. The Men’s Club ushered on High Holy days, ran the Purim Carnival and was the springboard for temple presidents, who were always men. They were traditional gender-separate organizations popular in the 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s. They were powerful within the temple structure and a source of Jewish social connection for middle class suburban Jews. When Gary and I got married and moved to DC in 1976, we frequented Adas Israel on Friday night and marveled at the Sisterhood ladies who served tea from silver urns at the oneg after putting out delicious éclairs and brownies on silver trays.
And then came the feminist movement, and for the first time in modern Jewish congregational history, things slowly began to change. When I came to Alexandria in 1982, I was surprised that the Brotherhood was in charge of the kitchen and ran a temple catering service. When TBS started in 1986, and shortly thereafter began a Sisterhood and Brotherhood, it was made clear from the start that Sisterhood would have nothing to do with the kitchen or oneg. And so, every Sunday morning we find the illustrious men of Brotherhood cutting bagels… and this overprotective rabbi mother worrying that they have these large knives in their hands and hoping that as they socialize they don’t cut an artery!
So, in this temple year of asking questions, I wanted to tackle the question, “Why Brotherhood and Sisterhood in the 21st century?” We are in the midst of a paradigm shift in American Jewish life, and there is a need to reevaluate who we are, how we are organized, and what is meaningful for our membership at this time in Jewish history.
I have thought a great deal about these organizations, and their evolution here at TBS and nationally over the past 26 years. But, answering the question for tonight required that I rethink the raison d’etre of the same-gender auxiliary in synagogue life.
Ironically, I want to start in Israel to make my point this evening. Reform synagogues in Israel have been asked to explore creating Sisterhoods along the WRJ (Women of Reform Judaism) model in recent years. Amid a few small successes, my read is that this has been less than warmly received in Israeli life. I have heard colleagues tell me that there is no need in Israeli society for same-gender groups. Some make the case that there is no need for Brotherhood in Israel, because Israeli men have the military to bond their lives and that shared experience transcends the years of service. Synagogues in Israel are struggling to make the case for the Reform synagogue. They want families to belong. They want couples to find meaning. So, creating separate groups is threatening to an already tenuous existence in a secular Jewish world fearful of the Orthodox separation of men and women, that seems to be growing in its restrictions every day. The Israeli synagogue wants to be known as the place where men and women aren’t separated. Brotherhood and Sisterhood challenge that axiom of Reform Jewish Israeli life.
But, I believe that our American reality has different needs and challenges. The American Reform synagogue is currently the oldest Jewish institution in America. And the adaptation of Sisterhood and Brotherhood (Women and Men of Reform Judaism) has been part of many paradigm shifts in American Jewish life.
Early Sisterhoods were doing Social Justice work long before there was a Religious Action Center in Washington. Early Brotherhoods provided the funds to keep the Jewish Chattauqua Society thriving, ecumenically, in our quest for American acceptance in academia and among our Christian brethren. From the issues of women’s suffrage to the transitions in the American family, these two organizations sought to help men and women define and shape Jewish connection and identity, for over a century.
Perhaps the most startling realization I have come to, in preparing for this sermon, is the fact that I think our two auxiliaries need to continue as arms of synagogue life for very different reasons and purposes. Each one is answering a different communal need, although we often link them together.
I think both groups are facing an interesting dichotomy: how to be Jewish organizations and safe havens for those who want the synagogue to be a place for making Jewish friends and sharing Jewish bonds, even as they know they need to embrace and be welcoming to the non-Jewish members of the congregation with the intermarriage rate being over 52% in the country.
The disappearing Jewish male/the cautious, seeking non-Jewish husband are two sides of a complex coin facing the modern Brotherhood, today. Men want a place to be Jewish men, in a world with more women in temple leadership and on the bimah. With 2/3 of Jewish women marrying non-Jewish men, there is also a great need to help those men find a home and place for connection. This impacts programming and visioning as the Men of Reform Judaism shape their individual Brotherhoods. We can laugh at how great it is to have men who can actually use tools to put up a sukkah… and we can explore how challenging it is to address Jewish issues in a way that doesn’t alienate those who have the courage to make TBS their spiritual home, even if they are not Jewish.
Brotherhood needs to meet both needs and ours is doing a phenomenal job. Brotherhood can be that safe place to connect with other men, in a world where men are expected to spend a lot of their spare time with their families and fulfilling family responsibilities, much more so than men 40 or 50 years ago. Brotherhood is then a safe haven for Jewish men and a place of welcome for all temple men at the same time.
Sisterhood seems to have a very different reason for being. It’s raison d’etre has not necessarily been the place to welcome and integrate the non-Jewish mother or member, for reasons I am not quite sure of. The religious school and Bar Mitzvah process seem to fulfill that need in helping moms raise Jewish children, when they have not grown up Jewish.
There are more stay-at-home moms than there were 20 years ago, and Sisterhood has not necessarily been the place for those women to turn for connection. I think that Sisterhood has been a place where women can deal with the pressures of modern life from the two career working family, to the growing number of women who are primary bread winners, to the loneliness and isolation of working women professionals in our society, to the need for activity and purpose after retirement, to the desire to spend time with other women who share one’s values.
I think that Sisterhood has served a very different role than Brotherhood in temple life. Sisterhood has held on to its Social Justice component, even as congregations have developed Social Action committees. And Sisterhood has always had a strong educational component and agenda for its members. Sisterhood is less a melting pot for meeting social needs, as it is an organization with a mission for its members.
As we look at the current Jewish demography and its impact on synagogue life, there is an ever-growing retired population, which will challenge both organizations as they seek to attract younger members, and provide for the needs of its older constituents. Activities with children – from PJ Havdalah and Cradle Roll to Purim carnival have been important ways to reach out to younger parents, even as the average Jew in America is 48 years old. We are the oldest ethnic group in America and we are aging rapidly. Both groups will need to do more for the older members, as a growing number of them retire here in Northern Virginia. Finding common ground for members with a fifty year age span, even if gender specific, will be more of a challenge for both groups as they struggle to conquer the deepening age-divide.
With the growing need for funds in difficult economic times – each group will have to decide what fundraising role it needs to have to help sustain the synagogue if we fail to grow. Our TBS Sisterhood has always seen itself in a more fundraising role and Brotherhood in a service role. That may be unique to TBS, but I don’t think so. I think that Sisterhood has focused more on the doing together to be together, and Brotherhood on the being together or doing together, which is a direct result of the different needs of men and women that old feminist ideology forgot to take into consideration. Women multitask relationships and find it easy to participate in an activity and bond at the same time. Men often define their activities as social or service, although there seems to be a lot of fun going on while serving on Sunday mornings.
I was also struck with how many women expect Sisterhood to be a place to learn, where as that aspect is less a driving force of Brotherhood, and often where a joint Brotherhood/Sisterhood function is a place for the men to engage in the learning agenda. Men who seek to study do so in other groups at TBS, and I have heard a few comments about the segregated women’s Torah study. How do we live true to our egalitarian values, while recognizing that men and women do need and seek separate time in gender specific groups?
Both groups still serve an important purpose for synagogue life, but not the same purpose. Our Sisterhood has a stronger connection to the national WRJ and its initiatives. Our Brotherhood has focused much more on home than the national scene, which is also the way national MRJ (Men of Reform Judaism) is these days. Each group takes its self-defined roles and tasks seriously. Can you imagine Sunday morning without Bagel Bar or Chanukah without the boutique? We have come to rely on our auxiliaries for a host of activities critical in temple life. In a world where most people are committee resistant, Brotherhood and Sisterhood offer tasks and opportunities for short term, meaningful involvement. I am fascinated by the fact that each group has chosen very distinct paths to grow membership and program for their members.
Any group under the synagogue’s roof that meets a need for connection and caring and support is a good thing. I am amazed at how many people are active in these auxiliaries AND serve in other capacities in temple life, sometimes going back and forth in leadership roles between the temple at large and the auxiliary in particular.
We cannot underestimate the need for meaning in an age where most communication is online rather than in person. Why Brotherhood? Because, I believe it has proven to be the best way to help men feel connected to the synagogue, and might very well be best way to help non-Jewish men feel connected to the Jewish men who are part of temple life. There is also a growing need for Jewish men to feel their presence and importance in temple life, and to be able to bond in traditional male ways.
Why Sisterhood? Some might respond: because, women have a dynamic all their own. Some women are more comfortable studying with women, talking with women, and planning with women, and programming with women. It may not be for everyone, but there is definitely a need being met. Women in America know that they are no longer relegated to the Sisterhood because temple leadership is off limits, so they are choosing to belong to an all female organization for other needs and reasons.
There are those who like the Israelis say that the days of separate groups should be over. But I would posit that an affinity group is easier to be part of if you are not drawn to a specific group or task in temple life. Some people prefer to be on security where bonding is not required and neither are meetings. You can be on your own and serving your temple. Other people want to make decisions and choose the Board or temple committees, and others want to specifically dedicate their time to things that matter – a collection for the homeless, a CROP walk to fight hunger, packing packages for our college students.
From the Red Tent of Biblical times to the men still sitting together around the Mediterranean or Middle East café, we are wired to bond with people like ourselves. To the extent that Brotherhood and Sisterhood are welcoming and accepting, they serve important roles by fostering connection within synagogue life. That is why I believe that these organizations should be for temple members only. Brotherhood and Sisterhood are about belonging, not just to these groups, but to the temple as a whole.
The answer to the question Why? is not Why Not? The question, “Why Brotherhood and Sisterhood?” must be asked regularly to clarify the mission and purpose of each organization, as the congregation moves through what will be a life changing century for the American Jew.
For now, we know that the vital role each group plays is integral to the ongoing mission of our congregation. Our auxiliaries create opportunities and points of access to the newcomer, the seeker, the lonely, and the volunteer among us. They are opportunities to teach and live a meaningful Reform Jewish life in a world where we are a smaller percent of the population each year. And when they function in a healthy way, as organizations of support rather than gossip, focusing on contentment rather than discontent, these groups, like our youth groups, engage our lives for the better.
The best answer to this question of why Brotherhood and Sisterhood comes from the members who are served by Brotherhood and Sisterhood. Some of their responses are in our service folder tonight. In a world where so many have Facebook friends, we need groups where people can engage in meaningful activities and interactions face to face. In a world where children and adults are often bullied and harassed, it is nice to have groups whose sole purpose is acceptance and connection.
In a post-feminist world, there is room for auxiliaries without apology. Brotherhood and Sisterhood are often called arms of the temple. I am so grateful for these two arms and pray that they continue to lend a hand to our Jewish life and community for many years to come. When you take the arm of Sisterhood and the arm of Brotherhood, you end up with a loving and supportive hug that strengthens our congregation and community in so many ways.
I encourage you to feel the hug!
Sermon by Rabbi Amy R. Perlin, D.D. – Temple B’nai Shalom – November 18, 2011